bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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