i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
