Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I deserve this hangover.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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