i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
