Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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