I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
