my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
