my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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