just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
