stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
