If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
