OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
