You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
