The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
