my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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