I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
