3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
