So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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