Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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