Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
