Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
