i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
