Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
