his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
