I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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