the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
