I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize