It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
