I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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