Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize