on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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