Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
