you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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