White coat. Heels.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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