I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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