Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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