there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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