Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize