Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
