Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
