we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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