I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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