Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
