I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
