I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
