yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
