I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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