for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
