elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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