he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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