i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
