I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
