We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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