1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
