Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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