I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
