Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
