Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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