the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
