i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he thought i was a dude.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
