There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
