Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
