im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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