Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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